Official Fanfiction University of Twilight
by Kythi Ravenswing
Summary: Because you have to admit, it really needs one. If you don't know what an OFU is, search. They've got a billion of 'em. Warning: contains mini-Volvos. Application form inside. Wildest parody you've probably ever seen of this fandom.
1. In Which There Is Paperwork

Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I'd be Stephenie Meyer. If I were Stephenie Meyer, I'd be rich and famous. If I were rich and famous… um… I don't own Twilight!!

Other Disclaimer: The concept of all Official Fanfiction Universities belongs to Camilla Sandman, also known as Miss Cam. Miss Cam is God. All hail.

And Spencer, if you are reading this (unlikely; you don't even like Twilight), please forgive me. You've got a good name.

ATTENTION: Anyone wishing to enroll in OFUT may fill out the entry form listed below in the chapter.

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Chapter One.

In Which There Is Paperwork

_"jacob!!! Jacob!!1 alialiara cried. "u cannot do this1 were meant to be!!!!"_

_jacob sighed. "ur right, alialiara! how could i ever have luved ranezmay??? lets get married!!"_

_alialiara embraced him "oh jacob my only luv!!!"_

_"oh alialiara!!!!!" shouted jacob-_

"Did you know that writing five exclamation points or more is the second sign of insanity?" said a cheerful voice.

Spencer whipped around. "The hell?"

Two tall, big men with black suits wearing sunglasses were standing in her bedroom. Between them was sandwiched a girl, short, black-haired, and grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm Alice," she said, still in that annoyingly cheerful voice. "Cullen. I've got bodyguards. They can kill you thirty-five different ways without using one of the multiple weapons they've got concealed on their persons. Please don't try to kill me. It won't even help you get Jasper."

"I like Jacob," Spencer said. It seemed like the only thing to say.

Then the girl's name hit her. "_Alice? Cullen?_ As in _Twilight_?"

Alice bowed deeply. "That's me!" Her grin turned into a scowl. "Kythi wants me to give you the form. I _told_ her I knew what you would say. She said something about the necessity of paperwork. I _hate_ paperwork."

Sighing deeply, she produced a little packet of information held together with a shiny paperclip. It was printed on thick, off-white paper with gold on the edges. Spencer spotted the words _university_, and _forever_, and _painful_…?

"Keep the paperclip," said Alice Cullen, and, still sandwiched between the bodyguards, opened the window and jumped out.

Hesitantly, Spencer reached for the form. Maybe this was all a dream. Yeah, that made sense. A vampire? In her bedroom? Not likely!

She glanced over the first paper in the packet, labeled DISCLAIMER. It was all fine print. Bo-ring! I mean, who cared about… she read a random phrase without really thinking about it… _include severe disembowelment_?

The next paper was some sort of entry form. Spencer grinned happily. Filling out forms was her third favorite occupation!

Name: Spencer Hollis

Age: 14

Gender: F

Species:

What? Spencer frowned. She was human… but humanity was so _boring_… She wrote "half-fairy half-werewolf half-vampire". Now that was awesome!

Affiliation: What does that mean?

It means whether you're good or evil, idiot: Oh. Good.

Lust Object:

Ooh! Spencer got up and danced around the room. She could talk about her Jakey-wakey! Oh, Jacob Black! What an amazing werewolf! He was awesome and hot and amazing and-

(We'll spare you the rest. –KR)

Favorite 'ship: Jacob and ME!!!

Who is your favorite character and why:

Spencer took a deep breath—

(And there she goes again. Heh. –KR)

Have you ever written a Mary Sue: Of course! What's a Mary Sue?

_Really?_: What?

Have you ever written slash: Yes! Some characters you can just tell!

If so, with whom: Quil/Embry! Who cares about Claire?????

Ir/rational Fears: SPIDERS! They're all going to die! And Jacob will help me kill them!

Why you write Twilight fanfiction: So I can share my love for Jakey-poo with the world!

6x7=____ Ooh! She knew this one! It was 42!

One luxury item: My copies of all the Twilight books!!!

If your house was on fire, the first thing you'd take out would be: Um… Jacob?

Satisfied, Spencer signed her name at the bottom of the page, laid the form on her dressing table, and climbed into bed. It was night now, although she hadn't realized. And her covers were heavy and soft, and she was so tired…

The hinged opened without a sound, and Alice happily held up her oil can. The label on it read IF IT WORKS FOR EDWARD, IT WORKS FOR ME! INC. She swung in, closely followed by her bodyguards, and picked up the form.

She read it over, giggling slightly. "Hey Alpha, take a look at this. She's three-halves of a person. Can't wait to see how the Physics Department will work that one out."

One bodyguard laughed slightly.

Alice laughed again. "She says six times seven is forty-two… wow. I thought everyone knew that one, Kappa."

The other bodyguard snickered. "What's her fear?"

"_Spiders_."

And now all three characters began to cackle, evil laughs rising from Spencer's bedroom through the open window and out to the silent night…


	2. In Which There is a Guava

Disclaimer:

Q: If I took over the world, and made slavery legal, and I hunted down Stephenie Meyer, and I made her a slave, and I bought her, and I forced her to write for me, and I forced her to say everything she owned was mine, then, _even then_, would I own the amazingness that is Twilight?

A: No.

Applications still open. You don't have to include your real name. Or age.

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Chapter Two.

In Which There Are Guavas and Ninjas.

Spencer woke up on what felt like a floor made out of freezing sandpaper. She groaned. "Holy ebil ninjas. What?"

"Ooh! _I'm_ an ebil ninja!" said an unnaturally cheerful voice.

Spencer's first thought was _Please not Alice, please not Alice_ before she realized what her first thought actually was. She moaned. "What?"

"I said, I'm an ebil ninja," the voice said, somewhat annoyed. "Weren't you listening, fool? Are you awake? Are you asleep? Are you dead? If you're dead, can I cremate you?"

"NO!" shouted Spencer, sitting up abruptly. She shook her head as if to shake water out of her ears, or insanity out of her eyes. She was in a huge stone room… and the floor _was_ made out of freezing sandpaper… off to the side of more than three hundred chairs made out of plush red velvet. About half of them were filled, mostly by teenage girls looking scared. Some were filled by teenage girls not looking scared.

She stood up. "The hell am I?"

"You _are_ the hell," said the ebil ninja voice, mostly by reflex. Spencer turned to see a… well, ninja was the only word, especially since she… he… it was swathed in black cloth from head to toe. Spencer meeped. The ninja pulled down the cloth covering its mouth, revealing a wide grin and a definitely more feminine face. "I'm Sunny," she said. "Come with me to find a seat, fool."

"Wait, no, I don't even know you!" Spencer protested as Sunny dragged her away.

They sat towards the front of the audience, between a girl chattering at apparently no one and a bored-looking other girl. The chatterers turned towards them. "Heya," the talking girl said cheerfully. "I'm The Dawn Is Breaking, call me TDIB, isn't Edward awesome? glad you agree, hi."

"I'm Faith," the bored girl muttered. "Faith Restarts."

"Spencer," said Spencer quickly. "Look, do you have any idea what in the name of Carlisle Cullen this-"-

She was interrupted by a squeaking and tapping from up on the huge stage in front of the audience. A tall, annoyed-looking girl with vaguely triangular hair was having a staring contest with a microphone… and winning. She looked up for a moment, realizing everyone was looking at her, and fixed her death glare on the audience. Spencer meeped again.

"I," said the girl, "am Kythi Ravenswing. You will refer to me as Miss Ravenswing, Miss Kythi, KR, Ravenswing, or Kythilcalemma. It's a long story."

She straightened up. "And this is the Official Fanfiction University of Twilight!" From the tone of her voice, Spencer almost expected confetti to start pouring out of the ceiling. Nothing happened, however.

Miss Ravenswing sighed. "Flashing lights on lockdown again, then. I swear I'm going to kill Black, he fixed her motorcycle, he can fix a simple light show, surely?" Realizing she was talking to about three hundred completely uncomprehending fanfiction writers, she changed gear. "This, then, is OFUT. It is a university, in which we will teach you to write fanfiction."

A boy in the audience raised a trembling hand. "But I know how to write fanfiction."

He was immediately treated to Miss Ravenswing's evil eye, and shrank down in his seat. The two people next to him visibly edged away.

"What," said Miss Ravenswing, "is your name?"

"J-James," stuttered the boy.

Miss Ravenswing leaned towards him, bending at the waist. "What," she said, "is your quest?"

"Um?" James said nervously.

An evil grin spreading across her face, Miss Ravenswing leaned yet closer. "And what," she said, "is your favorite color?"

"Blue?" said James, eyes big. "I mean, yell-AAAOOOOHHHH…" He dropped into a pit so deep and dark Spencer couldn't see the sides. She gulped.

"OFUT is a school for fanfiction writers," continued Miss Ravenswing, as if nothing had happened. "It has a campus, dorms, classrooms… all that jazz. We teach you the good, the bad, and the canon, in the hopes that someday you will actually know the meaning of the word canon. But the classes are not ordinary… or should I say, the teachers are not ordinary." She waved a sweeping hand. "Bring out… _the characters!_"

And into the room filed-

Spencer's brain boggled. There was first a boy of about seventeen, tall with dark hair, who wore a scowl and a name tag that read HELLO, MY NAME IS NOT ROBERT PATTISON. Next were two girls entering side by side, one shy-looking and mousy-haired, the other tall and powerful, the look in the eyes of one echoing that in the eyes of the other. And then-

Spencer knew who it was. She knew it immediately. It was in his walk, in his long hair, in the way he glanced so tenderly towards the baby in his arms, in the way the next boys—or were they men—that followed him like she'd seen dog packs follow a leader. It was herself. It was the object of her only love. It was, it was…

_Jacob Black_…

She heard a brief squee from behind her as more characters filed in, but she had eyes only for Jacob. By her arm, Faith Restarts was practically panting as Embry walked by. TDIB was… well, there's a word for it, but it might get me sued… over Edward. And Sunny…

Hey, what had happened to Sunny?

There was a brief _oof_. Spencer ripped her eyes away from her Jacob to see a ninja-dressed body sailing over the audience towards a large figure that could only be Emmett Cullen. Flying behind her was the shriek, "HOT…"

And then there was guava.

It exploded over Sunny in mid-trajectory, stopping her in the middle of the air and killing her momentum. She tumbled head over heels down to the waiting audience below. Shrieking, they scrambled out of the way as she landed on a seat, perched on her feet, like a cat.

"'Cause I'm a ninja, fool," she said smugly.

"Well," Miss Ravenswing said, after a moment's pause. "These will be your teachers at OFUT. The guava, I think you'd like to know, is only a temporary measure to prevent unauthorized glomping. After this assembly, vampires, humans, and werewolves alike will be guarded by _these_…"

And now out from behind the microphone rolled an impossible number of cars, such tiny cars, and gleaming polished silver. The only mark on their smooth coats was a black name, of the manufacturer, Spencer supposed.

"These," said Miss Ravenswing in the tone of a gambler playing the trump card, "are the mini-Volvos. They are created by you."

Spencer, TDIB, and Faith Restarts glanced confusedly at one another. "I'm sure as hell I'd remember creating one of those things," Faith Restarts muttered.

TDIB shrugged. "Not after some of the things I've drunk. And besides, they're _Volvos_. Like _Edward_…" Her eyes glazed over.

"Misspellings," said Miss Ravenswing, sending her death glare towards the whispering group. "Misspellings you knowingly posted. What sort of author does such a cruel thing?" Her glare morphed into an expression of confusion. "And what sort of name is Ranezmay, anyway?"

Spencer gulped.

"On the basis that none of you will attempt to glomp it, though we've got our doubts, a speck of dust is coming along to pass out your schedules," Miss Ravenswing said, now sounding bored. "We hope you enjoy your stay at the Official Fanfiction University anything you may or may not do is entirely your own fault based on the form you signed thank you." Sending one last evil eye out, she stalked off the stage.

Spencer unthinkingly took the schedule that the speck of dust handed to her, glancing over it. "Well, _that_ was weird."

Faith Restarts frowned, preoccupied with her schedule. "Why is Grammar 101 taught by the Volturi?"

"I'm sure I don't know," Spencer replied, in the tone of one who has taken all she can take. "That weird lady said something about dorms, didn't she? Let's go find them."


	3. In Which There is a One

**Disclaimer**: Yes, I do own Twilight. I also own Harry Potter, the known universe, and my cat. NO, people, I don't own Twilight! Or Harry Potter. Or my cat (honestly, who really owns any cat?). I do own the known universe, however.

Chapter 3

In Which There Is A One.

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As Spencer, TDIB, and Faith walked down the corridor, talking in hushed voices about the assembly, they were joined by James, the boy from earlier, and two more girls with the lit sparks of full insanity in their eyes. "Chimichanga," one girl introduced herself. "I'm Edward's True Love."

"That's nice," said Spencer, who was beginning to get used to this kind of thing. "Where's your room?"

Chimichanga produced a slip of paper from her pocket. "It says here Huckleberry Finn," she said doubtfully. "What in the name of Edward Anthony Mason Cullen is that?"

"I don't know," Spencer said, pulling out her schedule. "Hey, that's my room, too!"

"Roommates!" yelled Chimichanga, punching Spencer on the arm. Spencer winced. "You will have a wonderful time with you! I mean me! _You_ will have a wonderful time with _me_! Not the other way around! I think."

"Huckleberry Finn," Faith interrupted into Chimi's confused monologue, "is a famous character from the classic The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain, a.k.a. Samuel Clements. Huck Finn went on a famous rafting trip down the mighty Mississippi. Other notable characters in the book are Jim, a slave, and Tom Sawyer."

"Rafting," James said. "That sounds interAAAH!"

He emerged from behind a door in the hall, trembling. "Was that… Alice?"

"That was your imagination," Faith said kindly. "Do you have a… thing… about Alice?"

"No," said James firmly, his eyes darting from side to side. "I care not about Alice Cullen whatsoever. She means nothing to me. Nothing."

"So, who're you?" Spencer asked the other girl, who had as of yet said nothing.

"TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes," she replied. "James's wife."

There was an awkward silence.

"Did you see… _Him_… up on that stage?" TDIB said, apparently coming out of deep thought.

"Who?" Spencer asked.

"I know," Chimi said dreamily. "So… hot."

"Embry?" asked Faith.

TDIB and Chimi gave her a Look. "Riiiight."

"This is my room," James said, stopping. "It says here that I'm staying in a room called Piggy."

They looked up and down the corridor. The two rooms next to Piggy were called Roger and Jack.

"Lord of the Flies," Faith said briskly. "A plane full of boys is stranded on an island. The author was attempting to illustrate the basic savagery of man. I'm definitely not going to tell you what happened to Piggy."

James looked sick.

The five continued down the corridor, chatting amicably. "How do you know all these things about books and things?" GoldenEyes asked Faith, a tone of awe creeping into her voice.

"I _read_," Faith said, smiling. "Books. You may have heard of them."

"Those things by Stephenie Meyer?" GoldenEyes asked.

Faith just rolled her eyes.

"My room is called… Dill," TDIB said, peering at her schedule. "Any ideas, reader girl?"

Faith chewed her lip. "Probably the Dill from To Kill a Mockingbird, longtime fiancé of Scout Finch and obsessed with the elusive Boo Radley. One of the best characters I've read. You should feel lucky to have it. To Kill a Mockingbird is one of the greatest books in American literature, in my opinion."

"Australian, mate," shrugged TDIB.

"Hey, I've got Dill too!" chirped GoldenEyes. "How about you?"

"I have… Atticus Finch…" murmured Faith, looking at her schedule. "I have… Atticus Finch? _I_ have _Atticus Finch_? Oh my EMBRY!"

She stumbled, crashing to the floor. "Oh my. I have Atticus."

"Who in the name of Jacob Black is Atticus?" asked Spencer.

The rest, as one, shrugged.

"We're here," Chimi spoke up. Indeed, the door they had arrived at read _Huckleberry Finn_.

She and Spencer looked at one another as GoldenEyes and TDIB carried the fainting Faith away. "You open the door first," Chimi said warily.

"Okay," said Spencer, bewildered. Chimi ran away and hid around a corner. Looking after her suspiciously, Spencer opened the door.

She entered the room, still looking down the corridor, and bumped into a bed. She yawned, squeezing her eyes shut tight. She _was_ tired…

"Look, they told me attack when you see the whites of their eyes," said an annoyed voice. "How in the name of canon am I supposed to attack if you keep doing that not-letting-me-see-your-eyes thing?"

The deep inbred instinct known as Survival, evidently present even in fangirls, told Spencer to keep her eyes shut tight. "Who… are you?" she asked.

"Twi-One-4758," said the voice, sounding sulky. "I'm a One. You know, when you go 'omg!!1!!1111!' That makes a One. If you do that in Twilight, it makes a Twi-One. I'm Twi-One-4758. They told me to attack you."

"Twy-14758?" asked Spencer, her eyes still closed.

"No," Twi-One-4758 said. "Twi-One-4758. There's a difference."

"You must be a very early Twi-One, to be only 4758," Spencer said. _Distract it_, Survival said behind her eyes. _Flatter it. Maybe you can get it to go away._

"Oh, _very_ early," Twi-One-4758 said, sounding like it was cheering up. "One of your kind wrote 'omg jacobs teh best!!1111111'. I'm the third one of that row. I still talk with my brothers sometimes."

"Oh? Six of them, are there?" asked Spencer.

"Yes," Twi-One-4758 said happily. "Twi-One-4756, Twi-One-4757, Twi-One-4759-"

"I think I'm starting to get the idea," Spencer said hastily. "Ya know, I've got a roommate."

"Are her eyes open?" asked Twi-One-4758 suspiciously.

"_Very_," Spencer assured it. "Look, Twi-One-thingy-"

"Twi-One-4758," said Twi-One-4758.

Spencer smiled nervously. "I think I'll just call you, um, Bob. Yes. Bob is good. I like Bob."

"No one's _ever_ given me a nickname before," Bob said, and from the sound of its voice, its eyes were swelling with tears. "No one ever _cared_." The tears dissolved into outright sobbing. "You're the first person I've ever met who didn't call me Twi-One-4758…"

"That's very nice, Bob," Spencer said. "Does that mean I can open my eyes?"

"Yes!" Bob said happily. "If you open your eyes, I can attack you like I'm supposed to!"

"Bob, I'll make you a deal," sighed Spencer. "If you promise not to attack me, ever, then I promise to… to… um…"

"You can just owe me a promise," said Bob. "Then I can collect later."

"Sure," said Spencer, being willing to agree to just about anything at this point. She stuck out a hand.

Bob paused. "What's that for?"

"You shake it," Spencer said. "I'm not… really… sure why."

"Ah!" said Bob brightly. "This must be a human custom, derived from the practice of touching the weapon hand to show that you are not drawing your weapon!" Spencer felt her hand shook by something that felt suspiciously like Turkish Delight.

"Now go after my roommate," she said. "Her name is Chimi and she doesn't even _blink_."

There was a small shuffling noise. Cautiously, Spencer opened her eyes.

The room was empty. There was a small, suspicious, bright purple stain on the floor.

She sighed, settling on one of the two beds in the room. She now owed an unknown promise to a creature made of a fangirl's insanity. Her room was named after some character in a book—a book that wasn't even Twilight!—who apparently took a rafting trip. This school was full of murderous Volvos, fictional characters, and people who read things.

It was funny, but she was starting to like it already.


End file.
